Yesterday after a long day,

I lay still on my bed
As my thoughts ran at the speed of
The fan on top of the ceiling

It took me back to my young years

And somehow my hands tried to reach it.

My soul felt as nostalgic
As it has been
Since I turned 15.

My heart was heavy

And I shed a tear
That ran through my cheeks
Like a kiss

as I remembered
What I thought as a child
life should be.

I remembered how innocent
And pure I use to be

And I felt jealous
Of who I once was.

I got up and walked swiftly

To a box I once saved
Of memories of who I once
Was.

And I read all of them
Each word reminding
Me that my empty heart

Was as empty as today
But that I’ve woken up
And the reality
That I’ll never be satisfied
Here on earth
Came like a heavy rock

That now I’ve had to carry this truth
My whole life.

Realizing that I’m here
For just a short moment

That I’ve got to be okay with not being okay.

And as God put these words in my heart

I couldn’t help but drown in tears.

And I kneeled.

Asking him to please heal my heavy heart

I mourned as if my life had been shattered

Right in front of my eyes.

God used my lover to hug me tightly
Comforting me
In the warmest way possible

And my tears
Couldn’t stop falling

And he told me that it’s okay

That even though I will feel this emptiness
It’s a feeling that we should be happy
Of

Is a reminder that God will soon make it
As beautiful as you once thought it would be
But even better

Is a reminder of the eternity that lives
And cries in you.

Is a reminder
That the holy spirit
Is alive
Flaming
Through
Your soul

Dancing because it knows
What your human nature
Will never be able to understand.

It knows what you are going to become.
And it rejoices.

It knows
That one day you will be whole again
Is the reason to live
Is the reason to move on
To Stand up
And know that you are
One of the chosen one.

Because this feeling screams
Is because you have yet to fulfill
Your purpose here on earth.

Then my heart melt

And said but what is my purpose here
I have been searching everywhere
To see where I fit in
Where maybe I can grasp
What I am build to do

And I haven’t found anything

And I came to the realization
That I can’t do anything
But he can do everything

So what is my purpose
Is to
Love
To have compassion
To serve others
And for my ego to die.

And it will take time
But you will full fill what your spirit
Has always been yearning for.

N.A.